50 ways to annoy Snape
by InsanelyWitchyMango
Summary: None other than the title, ways to annoy the greasy haired git who has the temper of a gryff, brains of a rave, loyal like a huff, cunning like a slyth
1. MetaLily

**I, IWM, present to my lovely readers:**

50 WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPE

I metamorphed into Lily Evans.

Snape looked at me and color drained from his face.

"L-l-lily?"

"Yes Severus", I said in a ghosty voice.

"I've come to HAUNT YOU!"

He turned tail and fled.

I followed him.

"SNAPE!"

"Miss Santiago, why are chasing Professor Snape?", Dumbledore asked, caught waiting as I ran after Snape.

"Your orders, Professor", I said, wide eyed.

"Very well", he chuckled.

"ALICE!", bet you can guess who that is.


	2. Invisible talker

I donned my invisibility charm and walked out with an un-invisible bottle of shampoo.

I knocked on Snape's door.

He opened up, and looked at the shampoo.

"You owe me a use. Haven't used me since—"

I paused.

"Oh well, you never used me"

I felt my charm wear off.

"ALICE!"


	3. Fish and chips

I knocked on Snape's door with a plate of fish and chips.

"Hello, old chap!", I seized his hand.

"Got you some food!", I shoved it into his mouth.

"Good", he mumbled through the food.

"I gave it to you because I used your oil"

he looked confused.

"As in, hair oil"

he felt his head. It was dry.

"ALICE!"


	4. Oldy

"How old are you?", I stared at him.

"Forty"

"Liar"

"Am not"

"I counted your wrinkles. You're at least a million, three average!", I said this loudly enough that the whole Hall could hear.

"ALICE!"


	5. spy tips

"Hey, Snapey?", I pouted.

"What?"

"I want to be a spy like you! See!", I hummed mission impossible, and pointed a finger gun at Snape's head.

"I'll have to kill you if you don't tell me SPY TIPS!", I mock shot his head on spy tips.

"ALICE!"

"YOU'RE DEAD!"


	6. craving

"Snapey"

"What?"

"Trelawny drinks, Dumbles likes candy, what do you like?", I asked wide eyed.

"Nothing"

"So you're devoid of emotion and desires?"

He nodded.

"I know what you like!"

"What?"

"Four words: Dancing. With. The. Stars"

"ALICE!"

**Citations: The Great Snape Debate. Love that quote. **


	7. talent

"You're untalented", I stated suddenly.

"No, I'm not!"

"What are you good at besides school things?", I asked skeptically.

He kept quiet.

"Remus was sweet, Sirius had a way with ladies, James, flew, heck, Peter could act like a rat, no competition!"

"ALICE!"


	8. Whatchadoin

I watched Snape marking papers, bored.

"What cha doing?"

"Marking papers"

"What cha doing?"

"The same thing"

"What cha—"

"ALICE!"


	9. Care bear

I threw a pink care bear at Snape.

"Got you a care bear, maybe it'll rub off on you!"

"ALICE!"


	10. Urinal feaces

I sniffed a potion.

"Eeewww, is this your beep?", seriously, I said beep.

"My beep being?"

I beckoned him closer and said in a loud stage whisper.

"Urinal feaces"

"ALICE!"


	11. MetaJames

I morphed into James Potter I.

"Hello Snape!", I said making kissy faces at him.

"I know it's you"

I metamorphed into some sort of stag.

"James. What the—"

I morphed to myself, and said, "LANGUAGE!"

"ALICE!"


	12. Phobia

"Do you have a phobia of heights?"

"No"

"Then why did you insist on not taking flying lessons?"

"You looked in my memories?"

"Did you really think Lily would be jealous of that slut?"

"ALICE!"


	13. Alphabet

"Sing with me Sevy!", I yelled.

"A, B, C, D, E, F…"

"Why aren't you singing!"

"ALICE!"


	14. BAT!

Snape came into the Great Hall for breakfast, sneering at Harry.

I was sitting at the Hufflepuff table, and jumped, yelling, "BAT! VENEMOUS BAT! EVACUATE!"

"ALICE!"


	15. VAMPIRE!

Same scene, where by Snape tries to sneak in.

I whistle and lift my steak. As in, the meat. It was lunch.

"VAMPIRE! KILL HIM WITH THE STEAK!"

"Don't you mean stakes as in wood?", some Ravenclaw asked.

"Oh, yeah, otherwise we'd kill the steak"

"ALICE!"


	16. Professor

"Good morning, _Professor_", I smiled fakely.

"Morning"

During potions, I yelled once he came into the room.

"HI _PROFESSOR_!", I yelled.

"That's _Professor_", I made a loud stage whisper to another girl.

"ALICE!"


	17. Rabbit tail

I pointed my wand at Snape's behind as he turned.

A long fluffy rabbit tail grew out of his butt.

He turned around, and the laughter stopped.

After that happening quite a few times, the tail brushed his hand.

"ALICE!"


	18. Point Battle

"Ten points from Hufflepuff!", Snape yelled, eyes blazing as he pointed at me.

The Hufflepuffs groaned.

"NO!", I yelled.

Everyone just looked at me.

"One million points from SNAPE!"

"ALICE!"


	19. Detention Battle

"Detention for Alice Santiago, every week until term ends!", Snape yelled.

"ARGH!"

The weird staring is annoying my imaginary friends, you bastards.

"Detention for Snape!"

"ALICE!"


	20. Snape in a box

I transfigured the jack, which was in the box into Snape's head, grease and all.

I left it outside his door, knocked and ran like hell while I heard, "ALICE!"

**For the twenty fifth chappy, I'm giving all of you a chance to kidnap Snape! Just give some sort of name.**


	21. Snakes in grease

Snape opened the door to his room.

"HEY SNAPE!", I yelled.

He looked at the writhing snakes on the floor, covered in fast food grease.

"You never told me that you had these many quadriplets!"

"I don't! If they are, it's fraternal"

"Nah, it looks identical to me"

"ALICE!"


	22. Singing Game

"SNAPE!"

"What?"

"You want to play a game?", I asked, wide eyed.

"What sort of game?", why must he be so suspicious?

It's not like it's my fault I paid Wormtail into tricking him to play a strip game!

"A game where I tell you the name of a song, and you SING! I call it the singing game"

"No"

"Please?"

"No"

"Plea—"

"ALICE!"


	23. What time is it

Ah, the annoyingness of HSM is fresh in my mind.

"What time is it?", I asked Snape.

He looked at the clock.

"Just a few seconds until I can throw you out of the dungeons.

"No, I meant the song. Remember the game?"

"ALICE!"


	24. Confetti

I sentried at the side of the door.

The second Snape walked in, I threw a bag of confetti on him.

"ALICE!"


	25. Snapenapped

"OK, Snape", I said, tightening the knots, which bound Snape to the chair.

"I got a guest for you"

"Who?", he asked, struggling to find his wand.

"One of my friends who is going to pay me in reviews for your capture"

"Like some sort of ransom?"

"I don't know. She's Becky"

The door opened.

"Yeah, I'm Becky"

"Well, here's your Snape-nap!"

"Huh?", Snape is really clueless.

"Bye Becky!"

"NO! ALICE!"

I locked the door.


	26. Fanfare

Snape walked through the door.

I dumped the confetti on him, and blew a fanfare in his ear.

"MORNING!"

"ALICE!"


	27. Full Cullen

Snape was sitting at the staff table, playing with his food.

I snuck behind him, whistled, and dumped a gallon bag of sparkles on him.

"See, now you're a Cullen/Fairy! You sparkle in sunlight!"

"ALICE!"


	28. Nickelodeon Slime

"Hey Snape! Wanna go to the Slime park with me?", I yelled.

He opened his mouth to speak but I ran over him.

"Oh no, that would ruin your hair! The type of grease on your hair, I sampled, doesn't react well with Nickolodeon Slime, although they're virtually the same!"

"ALICE!"


	29. His most Royale

"Good most morning, Your most Royale", I curtseyed.

"Where's my crown?", he muttered sarcastically.

"Your Grease"

"ALICE!"


	30. what with e

"Hey Snape! What's with the extra e's?", I asked, showing him a book titled _Magicke Moste evile._

"Where'd you get that?"

"Tell me about the e's"

"Tell me where you got that!"

"Tell me about—"

"ALICE!"


	31. memory Snooping

I dunked my head into the Penseive in Snape's office.

The memories swirled, and I felt someone land behind the spectacle of Snape sucking his thumb with a blanky muttering, "I wanna sleep with Lily Evans", in his sleep.

"ALICE!"


	32. Underwear diary

"Snape! I found your diary! You must've been looking everywhere for it!", I said wide eyed.

"And yet it was in your underwear drawer!", I continued.

"AGH! What'd you read!"

"I never read anything but everything, but mostly I wrote. Like this, _My name is Snape and I smell like poo_"

"ALICE!"


	33. Written memoir

"See? A written memoir is better!"

I wrote down HI on a piece of parchment and put it in Snape's cupboard.

I locked it with my wand.

"Not easily accessible"

I pointed my wand at it. "OUCH!" I started sucking my finger.

"An I kin shoop in ish!"

At least, that's what, "And I can snoop in it!" sounds like.

"ALICE!"


	34. assassin's assistant

"Voldemort is an assassin", I said slowly.

"And you're his assistant", I pointed at Snape.

"So you're an assassin's assistant! That sounds funny!"

"ALICE!"


	35. Your face

Snape ladled my potion and let it spill back into the cauldron.

"You're a dunderhead", he said simply.

"Your _face _is a dunderhead"

"ALICE!"

**Studies show that YOUR FACE can be incorporated into any insult and comebacked. **


	36. You mad yet?

"Are you mad yet?"

"No, should I be?"

"Are you mad yet?"

"_No_"

"How about now?"

"Yes, now I am!"

"How about—"

"ALICE!"


	37. Annoyed yet?

"Am I annoying you yet?"

"You always have"

"How about now"

"Yes. Is that what you want to hear?"

"No"

"ALICE!"


	38. Skippy

"Hey, Skippy my man", I held out a fist to bump.

"Skippy?", he asked incredulously.

"Yeah. Skippy"

"Do I look like a Skippy?"

"Sorta"

"ALICE!"


	39. Middle name

"Hey Severus Snape?", I asked innocently.

"Yes?"

"What's your middle name?"

"Tobias"

"You don't look like one"

"Tobias was my father, a stinking muggle!"

"Now I see the resemblance…"

"ALICE!"


	40. What is it

I printed out the paper with the rounded figure on it.

"Snapey? What's this?"

"A circle"

"It looks like the letter O to me"

"Maybe it's 0"

"I printed it for YOU to figure out!"

"ALICE!"


	41. Meanie

"You're a meanie"

"So?"

"A meanie bobeeny sloveeny!", I clarified.

"Yeah. Thanks"

I studied him carefully, and hugged him.

"You're so nice"

"ALICE!"


	42. SevRemmy

I opened the laptop in front of Snape.

"Read it"

Ten minutes later, Snape was stomping around.

"I'D NEVER KISS THAT HYBRID LUPIN!", he insisted in front of me.

"Yeah sure. But the name has Insane. She's not lying"

"ALICE!"

All figments. If there is any coincidence of this incident, it is NOT intended 


	43. SevSiri

"New development!", I sang, and opened the laptop.

"I. Will. Never. Look. At. A. Dog. Again.", Snape banged the monitor closed.

"Yeah, I think you'd rather snog him in human form"

"ALICE!"


	44. SevHermy

Severus started to unbutton Hermione's school skirt and lifted her onto his desk…

"NO! I won't read anymore!"

"Yeah, that's illeagal"

"If that was happening, I'd elope to America"

"Is it?", I mimed a horrified expression.

"ALICE!"


	45. SevHarry

"You have your mother's eyes…

"No, Lily's were prettier"

"Do you want to sleep with him, y'know, because—"

"ALICE!"


	46. SevMinnie

Severus and Minerva started rolling around naked on the staff table…

"AGH!"

"Say no more, I know how you feel"

"How?"

"Like reenacting it?"

"ALICE!"


	47. AGHRULA BAGHRULA

"I know how you feel after reading those…things"

"So?"

"So…", I popped my gum.

"I made up an exercise to get it out of your system"

"Do it"

"AGRULA BAGHRULA!", I yelled in his ear.

"I think you burst my ear drum", he winced.

"Want to try again?"

"ALICE!"


	48. WOW MOM

I spun the WHEEL OF WOW on Webkinz.

"WOW, MOM, ZOZ, WOW, MOM, ZOZ…", I kept on yelling as the wheel formed the words.

"ALICE!"


	49. Fairy wings

I aimed my wand at Snape's back as he turned. Sucker.

Two pink, gauzy fairy wings grew out of his back. He didn't turn to look.

"ALICE!"


	50. Snapenapped 2

"I know how to get rid of your wings!", I yelled in Snape's ear.

"Holy shit, what is it?"

"I hired some people to rip them off!"

"Who?"

A storm of girls came through the doors of the Great Hall.

"Snape you're my Sex God!"

"My sexy beast!"

"SNAPE I LOVE YOU!"

"ALICE!"


End file.
